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मंगलवार, 14 फ़रवरी 2017

Latest whatsapp Funny Jokes English | Hindi veg and nonveg

Hello Guys Funny Jokes English | Hindi :- This is a  Best  Place Get a jokes Hindi And Engllish, Top-100 Jokes For English | Funny Jokes GF & BF | Funny Wife Jokes |Best Teacher Jokes
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  • Funny Teacher Jokes
  • Friends Funny Jokes
  • Funny Jokes For Shopkeeper 
  • Boy Funny Jokes
  • Top Laughing Jokes For English | Hindi

{Funny Jokes For Man}


"Tell us the name of the woman who 100% knows where her husband is?
Ans is: A widow woman"

"Dr: Your one kidney has failed..
Man: First cried a lot than stopped and asked.... failed.....from how many numbers???"

{Jokes For exercise}

"After exercise I always eat pizza, Just kidding.. I don't Exercise!!"
 "No matters, how good work, noble cause you do... people always remember those who dies after borrowing some dollars!!"

 "What did the cockroach say to the man who wanted to squash it?"

"You are just jealous of me. The reason being - I make your spouse scream louder than you!"

{Jokes For Son In law}

"Man: Why are beating your son in law so badly?
He replies: I sent hi message that you have become father but he forwarded this message to his friends!"
"Boss and mother in law can never be changed and come on same category.."

{Best Jokes For GirlFriend }

"Boy messages text his Girl "Honey, I can't live without you! When you come to me?"Here is the KILLING Reply -"Who is dying! I lost my saved numbers, kindly tell me your name?""

"I thing..Fear Factor would have been much scarier if it had just been people in their twenties trying to figure out how to have careers!"

"Photographer: My secret of success is? 'Think negative'!"

"Make no mistakes. The junior is your biggest prospect!"

{Wife Jokes For Married life} 

"A man was complaining to a friend: "I HAD IT ALL - MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE." "WHAT HAPPENED?" asked his friend. He says "MY WIFE FOUND OUT.""

"Wife: Where are you hubby?
Husband: Doing Motivate..
Wife: To whom you are motivating?
Husband: Duffer... Moti wait.. (Moti means fatty)"

"When you do lot of sins and stock is full of sins....than...
than.. he gets married.."

"Whenever, there is fight with wife - Than it feels like I should suicide..
But.. I stop myself by thinking - There are very less tigers in the world.."
There is two kinds of suicide..
One is take a rope and hand on fa..Second have marriage and hand on whole life.."

"Every husband has a wireless connection by default..
Guess how...
It is called - 'Wife Eye'"

"Wife: If I would have been married to a Monster, I would have been felt much better than with you...
Man: But marriages are not allowed in same blood relation!!"

"All men are brave,
Horrors movies don't scare them...
10 missed calls from wife-----surely does!"

"Shelly: Why it is feel like husband and kite seems alike..
Aliza: Why?
Shelly: Because, both are kept loose, flies here and there!"

{Funny Jokes For Shopkeeper}

"Shopkeeper: What you need?
Husband: I need power to fight with my wife.
Shopkeeper: Ok, you should buy a quarter of whiskey, with some ice and peanuts!"

{Real Wife Messages}

 "Him: I kiss my Wife everyday before I leave for Office, what about you?
Me : Me too, after you leave!!"

{Best Jokes For Office employee} 

"I have already acted on your memo on saving power in my department by an immediate ban on employee empowerment!"

"Somebody asked me what is LIFE?
Best answer: The time after office life..."

"customer: sorry but i asked cheese without holes
waiter: well then, eat the cheese and leave the holes
by- elshaday "

{Jokes For Teacher Pointed In student }

"My teacher pointed at me with her ruler and said that at the end of this ruler is a dumb. I got a detention after asking which end!"
It is better to be late than to arrive ugly!
How Bedroom smells after marriages:
First 3 months - Perfumes and Flowers!
After 12 months - Baby Powder, Cream, diapers and Lotions!
After 7 Years - Balms, Move and pain killers.."

"Teacher: Which come first - Moon or Sun?
Student: Moon.. I am sure!
Teacher: How can you be so sure?
Student: It is simple. First honeymoon comes and only after it Son comes! :))))"

{Best Doctor Jokes}

"The doctor comes out into the waiting room for the next patient. He's shocked to see a man sitting there with a frog growing out of his head. The doctor's cries, "Oh my god, how did that happen?""

{Funny cartoon Jokes}

"The frog answered "I don't know; it began as a pimple on my but-t.""

"Dad: What time did you go to bed last night?
Me: Sorry but that information is confidential!"

{"Funny Warning Jokes "}

"Warning: Touching wire can cause instant death.
250$ fine too!"
"I think...therefore, I'm.... single!"

{Funny Jokes Boyfriend Girlfriend}

"Bf: Texts to his gf: Please return my photo as I got a new girlfriend.
GF: She sends almost 50 photos of different boys and replies - I don't recall your face, choose whichever is yours."

{Funny Jokes for Whatsapp}

"While analyzing, we feel that there should license to drive whatsapp, people are driving it like crazies.."

{Funny Morning Jokes}

"Do you know what makes a big difference?
In morning when it is 7:00 and 7:05!"

{Funny Jokes For Girls}

"How many Pear you can eat when your stomach is empty.
Girl: 7 Pears.
No, you are wrong, you can eat only one.
Girl: How can you say that.
Because when you eat 2nd Pear, your stomach will not empty!"

{Funny Jokes For Imagine}

"Imagine the moment when you are flying in plane on very high altitude and from the window, you see a man flying with air bags with a board saying: I was your Pilot!"

{Funny Jokes}

"On the wall there was a note - Dogs are peeing.
But a man still did it.
Another man asked: why you are doing so?
He replied: See I am doing and it goes to dog's credit."

{Top Funny Jokes}

"In marriage, daughter runs and goes back to her room..
Mother stops her on the way and says: please do not go back, just go with your hubby.
Daughter: Please leave me, I am just going back to take my phone charger, it is gonna die!"

{Teacher Jokes SMs}

"Teacher: Name some countries?
Australian Kid: Australia..
Teacher: That is it?
Kid: Yes.
Teacher: Aren't Africa, UK, US, India, Singapore, Europe countries?
Kid: Nope, They are not country, they are Foreign countries.. "

 {Funny Jokes Very Small}

"You can always double your drive space.
By deleting Windows!"
But for gravity, I'd be a high-flyer."

{Funny Jokes Boys Messages}

"Boy to girl: I heard that everybody dies on your killing smile."

"Girl: Do you hate me?
Boy: Nope, I don't.. I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence."

"Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick!
I wonder that cat's hair is lonely people glitter."

{Naughty Funny Boy Jokes}

"Once a small boy tries to press a doorbell on a house.
I lady noticed that. That boy is very small and the doorbell is too high. Lady thinks that she should help him. So she comes near to him, lifts him and boys rings that doorbell. She asks to that kid: Now what, sweet little man?""

{ Funny Jokes |Short Jokes }


"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping."

"What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
It let out a little wine!"

"I love tiny, plastic realistic food magnets. I don't know why. They're hilarious."

"Fastest mode of communication - Tell a girl a rumor and take promise to keep it as a secret."

"I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice."

"My train of thought just ran off the track."

"My memory is really so bad" "How bad is it?" "How bad is what?"

"A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here""

 "Me: I want a hot and attractive body.
Me: Does/apply absolutely nothing to achieve this."

"Only in math problems can you buy 50 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you."

"I love watching scary movies!" *10 minutes later* "Friend walk me to the bathroom."

"That neighbor knocked on my door at 1.15am this morning, can you believe that 1.15am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums..."

"Are you from Toy Story? Because you just gave me a Woody"

"The spider is more sacred of you than you're scared of it!" "Oh really, did it tell you that?!"!"

"Where are otters from?
Otter Space"

"'Are you athletic?' Yes, I surf the Web."

 "It was love at first site - The love with Internet. "

"There is always a negative person who demotivates your ideas by adding 'What if'."

"I wasn't that drunk..." "Dude, you were in my bathroom begging my sponge for the krabby patty formula."

"A kiss can be 10 times more effective than morphine in reducing pain by triggering the body's natural painkillers."

"How do you turn a dish washer into a snow blower?
Give her a shovel."

 "Yes, I do can take a joke. That just wasn't funny."

"Mother-in-law is a woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers."

"A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce."

"What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary."

"Brain damage is what we were after– chromosome damage was just gravy."

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."

"My commitment is to truth, not consistency."

"Earth is the insane asylum for the universe."

"My life is as good as a romantic comedy except there's no romance and it's just me laughing at my own jokes."

"I am sure that I am an awesome singer but when no one is listening."

"I get irritation when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato."

"The number one problem in our country is apathy, but who cares!"

"A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking."

"There are no stupid questions, just stupid people."

"Her friend asked her how to spell pen is, and she told - you should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."

"You hate the moment when you wash your car and it rains later"

 "Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after."

"By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong."

""EVERYONE SHUT UP" *answers phone* "Hi Dad..""

"It’s not who wins or loses, it’s who keeps score."

"I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not looking for change."

"I’m passing directly from barbarism to decadence.."

"Yeah officer, I saw the "speed limit" sign, I just didn't see you!"

"I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory."

"Earth is full. Go home."

"Miss (on call): You say Ronny has fever and can’t come to school today?
I am speaking to?
Reply: Well, This is my father.. Lol"

"How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand"

 "Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too!"

"Give him a penny for him thoughts, you’ll get change."

"How did the woman feel after she got ran over? Tired!"

"I could say something brilliant at any moment!"

"What do you call a zipper on a banana?
A fruit fly."

 "What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels!"

 "Why do chicken coups have two doors? Cuz if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan!"

"Why don't elephants ride bikes? Because they don't have a thumb to ring the bell!"

"Females always try to impress males by wearing hot dresses. But we are Impressed Only when They remove them."

 "I'm not sure what's wrong... But it's probably your fault!"

"I work 40 hours a week to be this poor."

"Your future depends on your dreams – So go to sleep."

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."

"The universe is laughing behind your back."

"If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing a seat belt."

"That awkward moment when you catch someone's eye exactly when they're picking their nose."

"Girls eyebrows these days be looking like they got sponsored by sports Nike!"

 "I Hate being fat but I love eating food."

"Morning things --
Me: okay it's 7 am
Me: I should get up me: just five seconds
Me: 5 minutes
Me: 5 hours
Me: 5 days
Me: 5 years"

 "It's funny when people are telling you a story and you're just thinking 'lie lie lie' but you go along with it anyway.."

 "What kind of shoes are made from bananas skins?

 "What did the birdy say when it flew over wal-mart?
cheap cheap cheap!"

{Jokes 2017 Best Jokes}

 "She smiled and said: OMG, Today the person has crossed the height of remembering me.."

"If you don't mind, can you please spare some time to come to my home. I need to kill one mouse."

"2 guys were talking in train:
first said: I am going to get married because I am fed up of outside food, cleaning hoke, washing clothes.
2nd man replied: For the same reasons, I am going to get divorced."

"2 women were talking: today is my man's birthday, what gift should I give him?
Another said: Give her the gift of Divorce.."

"Interviewer: Which city is most costly city in country?
Candidate: Electricity!"

  "Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts."


"How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."

"Why did the policeman smell bad? He was on duty."

"Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? FO DRIZZLE!"

"Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because it has a silent pee."

"What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything."

"What kind of bees make milk instead of honey? Boobies."

"Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Why the long face?”"

"A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, get out of here! We don’t serve mushrooms here”. Mushroom says, “why not? I’m a fungai!”"

"I never make mistakes…I thought I did once; but I was wrong."

"What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit?…Ba-na-na-naaa!"
"What did the little fish say when he swam into a wall? DAM!"

"Knock knock. Who’s there? Smell mop. (finish this joke in your head"

"Where does a sheep go for a haircut? To the baaaaa baaaaa shop!"

"What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!"

"He has dream about a horse last night, turned out to be a nightmare!"

 {Hindi  Joke Messages }


"जब कोई सुबह-सुबह आवाज लगाने से भी न उठे तो…
उसको उठाने का एक नया तरीका लाया गया है
उसके कान में जाकर धीरे से कह दो
” तेरा बाप तेरा मोबाइल चेक कर रहा है”
कूद के भागेगा ससुरा!!"

{Hindi Desi Jokes}


"टीचर:- एक तरफ पैसा,दुसरी तरफ अक्कल, क्या चुनोगे ?
विद्यार्थीः पैसा.
टीचर:- गलत, मै अक्कल चुनती
विद्यार्थीः- आप सही कह रही हो मेडम,जिसके पास जिस चीज की कमी होती है वो वही चुनता है ……………
दे थप्पड़ दे थप्पड़ 😀 😛"

"टीचर बच्चों से : कोई ऐसा वाक्य सुनाओ जिसमे हिंदी , उर्दू , पंजाबी और अंग्रेजी का प्रयोग हो
संजू : इश्क़ दी गली विच no Entry😂 😂टीचर बेहोश। ….."

"अध्यापक -छात्र से -बताओ तुम इतिहास पुरूष में सब से ज्यादा किससे नफरत करते हो ?
बच्चा : राजा राम मोहन राय से
अध्यापक – क्यू ??
बच्चा – उसी नें बाल विवाह बँद करवाया था वरना आज हम भी बीवी बच्चे वाले होते !😂😂😂"

"अंग्रेज:- हमने चांद पर पानी और बर्फ की खोज
कर ली है...
तो हमें अब सिर्फ दारू और नमकीन लेकर
आना है "

"12 Saal K Ladke Ne 20 Saal Ki Ladki Ko Phool Dia
Ladki Ne Kiss Dia
Wo Ghabra K Bhaga
Ladki Ne Pucha:
Kya Hua
Guldasta Le K Aa Raha Hu"

"Munna Bhai Ke ghar LADKI hUE.
Circuit- Bhai ab to muhale ke, Sare ladke isko line marenge.
MUNNA- Tu fikar mat kar re, Apun iska naam DIDI rakhenge"

 |Hindi Jokes  Teacher Student| 

"टीचर: तुम पढ़ने में ध्यान क्यों नहीं देते हो?
स्टूडेंट : क्योंकि पढाई सिर्फ दो वजहों से की जाती है…..
पहला कारण :डर से
दूसरा कारण : शौख़ से
और,बिना वजह के शौख हम रखते नहीं और डरते तो किसी के बाप से नहीं।"

"टीचर:- “क्लास में लड़ाई क्यों नही करनी चाहिए..?”
संजू:-“क्योंकि पता नही एग्जाम में कब किसके पीछे बैठना पड़ जाये..!”"

"स्कूल मे एक दिन टीचर संजू से :-
तुम बड़े होकर क्या बनोगे?
संजू :- मेम मै बड़ा होकर सी. ए (CA) बनूँगा, सभी महानगरों मे मेरा बिजनेस चलेगा, हमेशा हवाई यात्रा करूँगा,
हमेशा 5 स्टार होटल मे ठहरूँगा, हमेशा 10 नौकर मेरे आसपास रहेंगे, मेरे पास सबसे महंगी कार होगी, मेरे पास सबसे महंगे…
टीचर :- बस संजू बस!!
बच्चों आप सब को इतना लम्बा जवाब देने की आवश्यकता नही है, सिर्फ एक लाइन मे जवाब देना…
… अच्छा पिंकी तुम बताओ तुम बड़ी होकर क्या बनोगी ?
पिंकी :- संजू की पत्नी..😆😛😜😜"

"टीचर- अगर रात में मच्छर काटे तो क्या करना चाहिए?
लड़का-चुपचाप खुजा कर सो जाना चाहिए। क्योंकि आप कोई रजनीकांत तो हो नहीं कि मच्छर से सॉरी बुलवा लोगे। 😜😜😜"

"सर ने क्लास में पूछा : एक महान वैज्ञानिक का नाम बताओ?
लड़का: आलिया भट्ट !
सर: छड़ी हाथ में लेकर…..यह सीखे हो?
दूसरा: ये तोतला है सर, आर्यभट्ट बोल रहा है…."

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